Today I am 36 weeks pregnant. I have experienced pregnancy before, however much to everyones surprise it ended at 35 weeks and two days. I am now entering into uncharted territory and I am not sure how to feel. Part of me is very thankful to still being caring this precious baby until he is fully developed and ready to enter the the world as a healthy baby. The selfish part of me was ready for him to make his appearance yesterday and for me to have my body back.
The unknown, unplanned is very difficult for me. With Jentry, I never even had time to think about what day she might actually arrive. I didn't even have the chance to guess whether my water would break or if symptoms of labor would begin first. August 2nd seemed much to far away to start thinking about the specifics on June 30th! Of course, I had the nursery ready and baby items purchased but as far preparing for the actual birth, the only step taken was printing off a check-list of hospital bag necessities.
This time around is very different. Not so much physically as mentally. Because of my first premature baby experience, I have been busy getting all my ducks in a row much in advance. Probably too much in advance. The room is ready, the blankets and tiny clothes are washed, my bag is packed, the car seat is ready to roll but now all I have is way too much time to wonder, wish and worry. Will today be the day or will it be another 30 days and if it is another 30 days will my body survive that much more strain?
For the most part I have been trying to enjoy these last days without a newborn. I have read a lot, taken hot bubble baths, gone shopping alone, painted my nails, gone to bed early, watched movies, spent extra time with Jentry, cleaned and organized every nook and cranny of the house and gone out to eat often. It is a very exciting time and may possibly be the last time I ever get to experience a child growing inside of me, the Lord only knows. I am honestly trying to savor these last few days/weeks/month of pregnancy but some minutes/hours/days/weeks are easier than others.
I am so anxious to see his little face, kiss his head, take in his amazing baby scent. Will he have hair? What color will it be? Will he eat well, sleep well? How big will he be? A five pound baby was fairly easy to deliver and I would really like another easy delivery! What if his head is huge? My mother-in-law keeps reminding me how Nathan's head was 11 centimeters. I really could have gone without that little piece of info. What will it be like to see my loving husband hold his very own baby boy? What time of day will he arrive? What will his story be? What will be the story we tell every year on his birthday?
These are just a few of the things that are going through my head on an hourly basis. I am ready to have the answers... to tell the birthday story over and over again. I am going a bit more crazy each day but in the end I know I will look back and it will all seem to have taken place much too quickly. I will wish for the "easy" days when I didn't have to do anything special to take care of my little bundle. I will long for the nights when I only had to get up once to simply go to the bathroom.
In the end it is not up to me...thank goodness. It is in the hands of someone much wiser than me who's timing is flawless and I have no doubt that He will ensure the birth story of our special baby boy is non other than perfect.
